Once you touch 30s the question becomes relevant. For the longest time I had maintained I do not want to get married, for one there is no one special [this discounting the emotionally compromised state of being in unsolicited Love, in that emotionally compromised state, I do have someone special but..... ]. Let it be said that I do not want to end up with a women who will resemble my mom, even remotely! My family of course do not talk about it, my mom knows my predicament vis a vis marriage, also knows that should I get married, she is certainly not getting 'our' company! But nothing will please them more than knowing that I think about it, sometimes!
I get extremely disturbed by emotional turbulence, many can multitask, I can't! Under emotional upheaval I m a deer caught in headlight, frozen till it passes, which is MONTHS. Thus I refuse to get into a situation that fucks me up in the head. What it means is I can't be 2 timing anyone, I can't Lie, it's too much of a hassle, it's easier for me to self control. I know for a fact that I need emotional peace to thrive. Thus all blonds, drama queens and neurotic women can take a hike! Also all damsels who love their distress can forgive me, if you are not full of life and focus ONLY on the negatives then get a "rondu". The other important reason is "I am not qualified, as yet, to even think of marriage"
It is here that almost everyone disagrees with me, I believe I m still a nobody to get married, most elders, don't see it that way! For them you don't get married AFTER you are a somebody, for them [Ford Copolla included] marriage forces you to be "somebody" for the other person! Suffice it to say we have a difference of opinion. I understand what they say is ALSO correct. Fortunately for me, I am not facing a ShahRukh kind of a situation where the my girl is getting married and I have to prove myself quickly or lose her! No one is waiting for me....
Context specified, I m writing this blog becoz recently was forced to spends a fortnight in a village and a bhabhi, who couldn't get over her HERO Deevar [her words] was obsessed about my marriage. She of course had unsolicited advise that I should marry someone beautiful and that I should not make that decision in haste! It became hard to explain it to her that being physically beautiful is not even a criteria! In my list of things, it is not even in the top 3. I do not think like those punjabi aunties who obsess about physical beauty nor am I the guy who needs an arm candy to SHOW OFF or feel good about myself, any decently good looking person is good enough. It is hard to explain to ppl that I just need someone with whom I will be happy. With my egomania, bloated self image, self entitlement and my cancerian moodswings thats a tough ask! I have SOME idea of what that person should be, hence I m jotting it down here for my own clarity so that i do not fall for cognitive bias!
In my book the 1st chapter is called 'achievement', this excludes all run of the mill, average JOEs out of the equation. Educated from a nondescript college working a regular job, waiting for a Rich/Handsome guy, DOES NOT QUALIFY! Mirror shattering beauties were never my fantasy, not in school/college or now.
Did you ever pursue something worthwhile? Did you have the guts to make sacrifices for it? Or u just chased experiences in School/College/Profession? I don't think I can respect a person enough to Love [let alone marry] if she is just bidding her time, getting on with what life has to offer!
The 2nd chapter is "Stake in your Success" I want to be the person who is emotionally invested in the success of my girl and vice versa, that will exclude all eternal sceptics. Yes I am in the film industry and yes success here attracts a lot of chics/chikkas but weak willed and cheater were never used to describe me [4 years of active college politics and i have heard many unsavoury things about me but these]! I am not some starry eyed teenager who will be swayed by shorts and cleavage, even as a virgin teenager I was better than that !!!
I don't think sexual exclusivity is the be all and end all of emotional bondage. I am quite alright [for the other person] with "discreet" escapades that has no emotional threads attached and is not a public knowledge that stares me in the face. If I am lucky [O and I am indeed blessed wid gud fortune] I will have a relationship like Frank and his wife [House on Cards]. Where the women will inspire me to achieve greater heights and where I can motivate her to do bigger things. It will be a relationship based on Mutual Trust and Respect, there will be no place for lies. I hate liars [I hate lying], can't stand it, no truth is more hurtful than a lie. Will hav a relationship where lying won't be needed.
I don't think sexual exclusivity is the be all and end all of emotional bondage. I am quite alright [for the other person] with "discreet" escapades that has no emotional threads attached and is not a public knowledge that stares me in the face. If I am lucky [O and I am indeed blessed wid gud fortune] I will have a relationship like Frank and his wife [House on Cards]. Where the women will inspire me to achieve greater heights and where I can motivate her to do bigger things. It will be a relationship based on Mutual Trust and Respect, there will be no place for lies. I hate liars [I hate lying], can't stand it, no truth is more hurtful than a lie. Will hav a relationship where lying won't be needed.
Thus to even consider it, I have to be SUCCESSFUL first, the world doesn't owe me shit and the same rules apply to me. Else in my own head I DO NOT QUALIFY! Luckily for me, people in my industry can marry late and it is full of women who are sweating it out and refuse to be 2nd best. Many women writers, music directors, actors, producers, directors are at it ! People outside, understandably, are sceptical about filmy guys, so don't know :((
Being physically beautiful is a low hanging fruit and was never a criteria. At a certain age, all you have to do is stay in shape, be groomed and take care of your skin and hair, I know it is not EASY but it is a low hanging fruit nonetheless and is achievable by anyone with decent amount of money, will power and self restraint. No I am not over simplifying it, in youth we all look good, some better than the others but we can all look our best merely by changing our lifestyle! For me to be attracted to someone I have to be intellectually attracted and have to be able to respect her FIRST. I also demand to be respected and loved back and for that I have to earn that respect, be somebody!
The other logical question then is how do you say "now I am successful", when life is an endless pursuit of goals .... You do have to live while you are pursuing your dreams and that both can easily go hand in hand. I have thought about it, but to each his own ... I like to give the analogy of going inside a Cave .....no distraction, nothing to put the blame in case of a misfire! I wud like to believe I have the determination of a Suicide Bomber, the pursuit of an Aghori Sadhu.
For me I have successfully chased a few dreams [notice the plural] I were passionate about. I did chase them down and none of them were achievable when I embarked on that journey. So in my current scheme of things I have to chase my first goal of professional life and make a gud film. I do not mean a 100 crore grocer or a UTV/Disney/Balaji movie with major stars [those are not gold standard of quality but are dependent on market forces beyond my skill/control]. I just have to make 1 good film that does well financially and is appreciated too! I have to be proud of it.Long story short I will consider myself successful when ppl in the industry know who I am AND wait for my movies.
I certainly believe the movie I m working on now has all the ingredients to make a successful movie, I am also secure in my own skill set to make that happen, so lets hope for the best! Should it turn out the way I want it to .....I will be ready to talk of getting married, as of now don't even mention that word !
There are of course ambitions beyond the Film Industry but Clean Energy Projects can wait for another 15 years atleast!
