When are you getting Married ?

Once you touch 30s the question becomes relevant. For the longest time I had maintained I do not want to get married, for one there is no one special [this discounting the emotionally compromised state of being in unsolicited Love, in that emotionally compromised state, I do have someone special but..... ]. Let it be said that I do not want to end up with a women who will resemble my mom, even remotely! My family of course do not talk about it, my mom knows my predicament vis a vis marriage, also knows that should I get married, she is certainly not getting 'our' company! But nothing will please them more than knowing that I think about it, sometimes! 

I get extremely disturbed by emotional turbulence, many can multitask, I can't! Under emotional upheaval I m a deer caught in headlight, frozen till it passes, which is MONTHS. Thus I refuse to get into a situation that fucks me up in the head. What it means is I can't be 2 timing anyone, I can't Lie, it's too much of a hassle, it's easier for me to self control. I know for a fact that I need emotional peace to thrive. Thus all blonds, drama queens and neurotic women can take a hike! Also all damsels who love their distress can forgive me, if you are not full of life and focus ONLY on the negatives then get a "rondu". The other important reason is "I am not qualified, as yet, to even think of marriage"

It is here that almost everyone disagrees with me, I believe I m still a nobody to get married, most elders, don't see it that way! For them you don't get married AFTER you are a somebody, for them [Ford Copolla included] marriage forces you to be "somebody" for the other person! Suffice it to say we have a difference of opinion. I understand what they say is ALSO correct. Fortunately for me, I am not facing a ShahRukh kind of a situation where the my girl is getting married and I have to prove myself quickly or lose her! No one is waiting for me....          

Context specified, I m writing this blog becoz recently was forced to spends a fortnight in a village and a bhabhi, who couldn't get over her HERO Deevar [her words] was obsessed about my marriage. She of course had unsolicited advise that I should marry someone beautiful and that I should not make that decision in haste! It became hard to explain it to her that being physically beautiful is not even a criteria! In my list of things, it is not even in the top 3. I do not think like those punjabi aunties who obsess about physical beauty nor am I the guy who needs an arm candy to SHOW OFF or feel good about myself, any decently good looking person is good enough.  It is hard to explain to ppl that I just need someone with whom I will be happy. With my egomania, bloated self image, self entitlement and my cancerian moodswings thats a tough ask! I have SOME idea of what that person should be, hence I m jotting it down here for my own clarity so that i do not fall for cognitive bias!

In my book the 1st chapter is called 'achievement', this excludes all run of the mill, average JOEs out of the equation. Educated from a nondescript college working a regular job, waiting for a Rich/Handsome guy, DOES NOT QUALIFY! Mirror shattering beauties were never my fantasy, not in school/college or now.

Did you ever pursue something worthwhile? Did you have the guts to make sacrifices for it? Or u just chased experiences in School/College/Profession? I don't think I can respect a person enough to Love [let alone marry] if she is just bidding her time, getting on with what life has to offer! 

The 2nd chapter is "Stake in your Success" I want to be the person who is emotionally invested in the success of my girl and vice versa, that will exclude all eternal sceptics. Yes I am in the film industry and yes success here attracts a lot of chics/chikkas but weak willed and cheater were never used to describe me [4 years of active college politics and i have heard many unsavoury things about me but these]! I am not some starry eyed teenager who will be swayed by shorts and cleavage, even as a virgin teenager I was better than that !!! 

I don't think sexual exclusivity is the be all and end all of emotional bondage. I am quite alright [for the other person] with "discreet" escapades that has no emotional threads attached and is not a public knowledge that stares me in the face. If I am lucky [O and I am indeed blessed wid gud fortune] I will have a relationship like Frank and his wife [House on Cards]. Where the women will inspire me to achieve greater heights and where I can motivate her to do bigger things. It will be a relationship based on Mutual Trust and Respect, there will be no place for lies. I hate liars [I hate lying], can't stand it, no truth is more hurtful than a lie. Will hav a relationship where lying won't be needed.

Thus to even consider it, I have to be SUCCESSFUL first, the world doesn't owe me shit and the same rules apply to me. Else in my own head I DO NOT QUALIFY! Luckily for me, people in my industry can marry late and it is full of women who are sweating it out and refuse to be 2nd best. Many women writers, music directors, actors, producers, directors are at it ! People outside, understandably, are sceptical about filmy guys, so don't know :((    

Being physically beautiful is a low hanging fruit and was never a criteria. At a certain age, all you have to do is stay in shape, be groomed and take care of your skin and hair, I know it is not EASY but it is a low hanging fruit nonetheless and is achievable by anyone with decent amount of money, will power and self restraint. No I am not over simplifying it, in youth we all look good, some better than the others but we can all look our best merely by changing our lifestyle! For me to be attracted to someone I have to be intellectually attracted and have to be able to respect her FIRST. I also demand to be respected and loved back and for that I have to earn that respect, be somebody!

The other logical question then is how do you say "now I am successful", when life is an endless pursuit of goals .... You do have to live while you are pursuing your dreams and that both can easily go hand in hand. I have thought about it, but to each his own ... I like to give the analogy of going inside a Cave .....no distraction, nothing to put the blame in case of a misfire! I wud like to believe I have the determination of a Suicide Bomber, the pursuit of an Aghori Sadhu.

For me I have successfully chased a few dreams [notice the plural] I were passionate about. I did chase them down and none of them were achievable when I embarked on that journey. So in my current scheme of things I have to chase my first goal of professional life and make a gud film. I do not mean a 100 crore grocer or a UTV/Disney/Balaji movie with major stars [those are not gold standard of quality but are dependent on market forces beyond my skill/control]. I just have to make 1 good film that does well financially and is appreciated too! I have to be proud of it.Long story short I will consider myself successful when ppl in the industry know who I am AND wait for my movies. 

I certainly believe the movie I m working on now has all the ingredients to make a successful movie, I am also secure in my own skill set to make that happen, so lets hope for the best! Should it turn out the way I want it to .....I will be ready to talk of getting married, as of now don't even mention that word ! 

There are of course ambitions beyond the Film Industry but Clean Energy Projects can wait for another 15 years atleast! 

             

Romantic Films

Just saw "Wedding Crasher" and Loved it ! It,s a romantic film. They make it so good, even a skeptic like me believes it. I love romance. Everyone loves a good romantic story, it appeals to the goodness in you. However, it does paint an idealistic picture, the fairy tale ending. But since most romantic stories have ended happy some of us believe it will turn out well eventually [if it is true love], this belief system is hammered in our brain through timely reinforcement. We begin to view the world a certain way, expect true lovers to UNDERSTAND and TRUST and everything else .......  To give you an example when was the last story you read/saw that told you Crime pays ? In movies and books for every 1 story where crime pays there are 100s where it doesn,t and the reality is exactly Opposite. Crime does pay, unfortunately, society has created so many checks and balances that for an ambitious guy it is ALMOST impossible to be a gamechanger being an honest guy.

Coming back to romance, we as human beings are so vulnerable that we trust extremely late and mistrust rather easily. Once the wind is out of the sail, it never really comes back, we just get lost in the crowd, meet new people, blame the other person, never take a hard look at ourselves, AND even when we do we just try to work our way around the other person [basically manipulate].

So in the movies there comes a conflict in the second half , trust/family/personality issues and then that gets resolved .... In the real world it seldom gets resolved ...if ever..... with time it might lose the sheen but it,s never off ...So if u have trust issues with someone , you will never trust him/her again ...Forever !!! That Romantic story met a tragic end ....Even if the parties appear to move on ...it is still lurking somewhere in the background and will rear it,s ugly head.

Like everything else a happy ending romantic story is like any other field, you have to grind , work at it , and even then you might fail ....As i saw the movie and loved the sugar coated ending ...it was important to write this down ...... and not get brain-fed shit.

P.S. I do believe in love and romance !!!     

Daaru Desi

In one week i heard about two stories both had a drunk guy at the end of the phone .

In one story there is this guy who asks a girl out for a coffee, the girl denies [pehli baar main haan to nahi hi karna hai {her words}]. The guy asks her number and a week later this guy calls her, 1st call is a  drunk call and talks for an hour ....asks her to meet him the next day ... The girl says [to me] " i don,t want another mess up in my life " 

In 2nd story a guy hears something from his girlfriend, which goes like this ... An ex boyfriend is buzzing me and has called me up drunk .....this guy here is drunk [i m told that is usually the case] and believes everything he hears so much so that he wants to "talk" to the ex on the phone ... 

One just has to see both these events from an unattached perspective. 

Here is a story from my childhood, i must be 11 or may be 10 , it is my kaka,s 1st anniversary, my aunt is all ready, my mom and my bua are super happy, we have good food prepared, the ladies are having a great time, slowly the clock ticks to 9 and then to 10 , all the festivity is gone. My bua and mom try to console her , she says nothing, changes her dress and goes to sleep. Even for a guy 10 years old i knew that this was horrible. My uncle came home late night [arnd 12], all sloshed ..... Nobody said anything. 

I love my uncle and he loves his wife.

Hearing both these stories i felt sorry for the women who will marry these guys, one out of 5 of these guys will be an addict. What it means is this [from personal experience]:-

In all major events the guy will be sloshed, at public events and family gatherings he might puke and/or embarrass his wife in front of guests. [Has happened to one reader of this post at a family wedding] 

The kids won,t respect the father which, in almost all cases means a broken family.

In most cases there wil be cases of wife beating, should she nag him when he is drunk. 

In many cases he might turn up on the doorstep beaten up or being dragged home by police/autowallah.

My aunt does,t allow any of us to sleepover at her house because she does,t want to risk a scene.

Now i don,t know about these two gentleman but even if they are twice the man that my uncle is [and my uncle is a gem] even then, the girl is screwed. 

And yet most women will still marry a guy who is regular drinker because they believe it won,t happen to them [o, btw, if loyalty is ur thing, well u know wat walks out of the door when ur drunk]. 

Here is the wishful thinking "everyone drinks [says who ?]" "it only happens to the lower class/uneducated [yeah ofcourse....]" "he loves me [in that case u deserve it]" "i will change him [yeah ofcourse]" "he drinks almost daily but in limits [yeah we will ask u wen he is 40]" 

So if ur a girl reading this, just look at this group of guys who are regular drinkers and know that 1 out of this 5 is a sure shot tragedy, within 5 years of the marriage your condemned to a life of eternal emotional pain and embarrassment. 

If u love ur man too much to risk a lifetime of misery for 3 years of romance ....sure go ahead, in that case it,s ur Kismet . 

It is easier for a girl to not be an alcoholic, but in a guy,s world if u drink casually [not strictly socially] then slowly u will be a part of a group that drinks regularly and that group will binge drink more regularly as they grow old, one of them will be an alcoholic.  

I know atleast one girl who says she can,t marry a guy who doesn,t drink, she says, he will be boring. I wish i could show her the trauma we have been through, i don,t wish it even on my worst enemy. The risk of being a bore is rather a small one.
  

Hero Hiralal

I took an auto from office to home 7pm , this auto wallah was a young guy. I was dressed in the usual filmi attire with head bandana and all . When u take an auto from Aaram Nagar and have long hair it means ur either a model [if u have a decent physical presence] or may be a writer. So this autowallah asked me if i was an artist [ an informal word for actors ]. I said i was a writer [ i dont introduce myself as a Director to strangers, the reaction is too much of a trouble]. This is wat he said

Hero Hiralal : Sir ek baat poochay bura nahi maaniyega

Nikhil [thinking] : {O boy ....not another casting cough question} Poocho

Hero Hiralal : Suna ki film sign karne say pehle Director Producer log heroin ka izzat loot leta hai

I just laughed so hard at the innocence of the word "izzat loot leta hai" I was no longer irritated at the question and instead of answering my usual "aapko kyon matlab hai essay" i said "hum log to writer hai hum log abhi bahut neechay hai par aisa hota nahi hoga"........

It was a long conversation 1, 30 hours and the entire conversation was if ppl fucked for role ....

Next time i m not a filmy any time some stranger asks me 

When I played Butcher

This is a small incident from my childhood that is a character building event, will explain why i m writing it here.


Growing up in a small town [think wasseypur, although it was not a muslim dominated area], getting chicken was always a big deal [this is before boiler chicken became a household name] so the only ppl who would sell a chicken were some from muslim family and since only a handful families had chicken to sell, it was seldom available to be bought. One fine evening, we bought a chicken from our backyard it was available to be sold and my aunt bought it. Normally they would sell you alive chicken. Butchering it was the job of a male member. In our family it would either be my kaka [chhote cha cha] or his best friend Sahjaad Chahcha , both of them were absent. No male member of my family or anyone in the neighbourhood was available. Now my aunt [badi mummy] was born and bought up in Nepal [to indian parents] and she had exposure to all kinds of wild lives [even in our house, snake was a usual presence, whenever you had fish in the house snake was a sure thing] and had killed snakes, frogs, chicken and what have you. But even she refused because now she was a mom now and hence she couldnt do it. So she asked me to butcher the chicken, she would guide me. Being an enthusiastic kid dying to eat chicken, i was happy to do it. So I butchered a chicken, under her guidance.  My uncle later heard about it smiled and said "ladka bada ho gaya hai" Sahjaad chacha gave me a treat, of his hand cooked mutton.


Not every male member of a family goes to a butcher,s shop to buy chicken or mutton. Buying mutton is especially tricky, only my kaka and me do it, not my dad not my cousin golu, nor my bade papa. So today i went to buy mutton, it was a khossi [a kid lamb] and had just been de-skinned. Clearly a few other processes like cleaning intestine and cutting off some cartilage had to be done, so i stood there and was thinking about my own non-issue with butchery, remembered Bill the Butcher and the Qureshis from the movies. I have seen people who can't see an animal butchered, it,s not a sight for the faint hearted, even the mutton shop owners do it discreetly. I have to admit i have never seen a religious animal sacrifice so my only exposures to butchery was in my early childhood. Atleast i think is a character building experience slaughtering an animal, firing a gun, getting in fist fights, being beaten to pulp, spending a night in Jail etc etc ... Beaten to pulp or spending night in jail is yet to be done, i missed my chance in the Anna aandolan, and havent been beaten to pulp but yeah have been beaten to a crooked nose.              

Life Is Beautiful

Wow..... 8th July will indeed go down in my history as a historic day, saddest day of my life, can't share it here or with anyone. Blogged so that i remember the date and my feelings. 


The most shocking news come to us unannounced, it not anything like in the movies, there is no heightened emotional impact so to say. It just hits u and u don;t even know what part of it has hit u. You just become numb. 


Life is complicated. I know i m blabbering ..... Don't want to write more..... can hear my mom weeping in the drawing room.  

The Last Samurai 

Let me clear it at the onset, I admire everything about Japan minus sushi, can't think of eating fish raw. I was introduced to japan by the book "The Way Of The Zen", reading about it i came to understand the Zen mind. The bare minimum requirement is a "still" mind which is only achieved by long and conscious effort to tame your mind [every book says thats the toughest thing in the world and hence only a few do it]. But Hinduism and Zen differs post this first step. In our culture once you have achieved stillness of the mind you are expected/encouraged to be religious but in medieval Japan or China this was not the case. Once you achieved stillness of mind you could really do wonders for the society and hence people were free to use this concentration and discipline to achieve goodness in any and everything. Hence you find a lot of titles like "Zen and the art of motorcycle repair" or "Zen and Archery" "Zen Garden" "Zen Painting" etc etc .....

Anyways coming back to the movie Tom Cruise kills a Samurai Warrior in battle and the Samurai lord captures him alive and puts him in captivity to learn the ways of the western warfare [guns and cannons]. Samurai lord puts him in the house of his sister whose husband was killed in battle by Tom Cruise. The way this subplot in the movie is handled really touches my soul. Ofcourse the lady of the house develops a soft corner for this foreigner [movie hai bhai]. But the way this is done totally nails it. There is no romance, but admiration and respect. As a storyteller i am interested in the way romance is tackled on celluloid.

The movie does well to exclude any moment of physical intimacy and that is why it is so great. At emotional level we have all experienced the feeling to extreme care and love for someone and that often is a driving force towards physical intimacy. This might not have a romantic tinge to it, for various reasons. This is the trickiest of all situations and I do intend to touch upon this subject in some of my films. 

Here is a plot . Say, there is lot of affection for a friend, this relationship has reached it's zenith.  Few Subplots will follow this plot line. It has either got to get romantic from here or it will decay. The last sentence has been used and abused by bollywood, the classic tale of best friends becoming soulmates. BUT, say you don't want this person as ur romantic half, for whatever reason, but you don't want the relationship to decay! Subplot 1 : Guy proposes[ i m a guy so my pov], girl disposes, reason "he doesn't, love me, it is just a momentary weakness, i know him well enough for it", here the relationship will fizzle out, because nobody accepts refusal, this subplot can further go on if the girl later sees this decaying and wants the guy back and hence "the three words". But the guy won't agree now, one because of his ego and second because he had long accepted the fate of this relationship and so now this has come too little too late. I hope the same story repeats when the genders are exchanged, meaning the girl uses "the three words" first and the guy denies it. Well ofcourse, different genders will react differently to the refusal.

Subplot 2: Both know this is as far as a platonic relationship will go and hence they need to up the ante, but both are mature enough to understand that the first line of action [forcing love on the other person] will not work. The only other option is a "friends for benefit"scenario but here it becomes tricky too .....how to go about it in a way that nobody gets hurt emotionally, most people will either come out of it as a pervert or easy, depending upon who makes the first move. The easiest scenario is to get drunk and let it happen. But what after this.

Subplot 2a) It can't be a one-time thing, can it truly be no strings attached ? If they haven't put a "label" on it some miscommunication will result vis a vis the possibility of any romantic interest for a 3rd party. This will result in jealousy and heart burn. Hence there will come a time when you will have to nudge yourself to fall in love or it will end, and this time with lot of heart burn and feelings of betrayal. This is the classic case of whoever blinks first loses.  

Subplot 2b) It's not a one time thing but both sides know the traps of 2a and hence they agree to discuss about it. I think this is only possible between same sex couples because a girl will expect the guy to understand it without her having to speak anything on this subject, in most cases she would prefer not to even acknowledge the sex thing in the morning, but that won't work beyond 2-3 times. The guy would want to talk everything about it so that the girl doesn't get any wrong picture and this will be a possible doom, if he does it after the first time.  Even if they do it, the choice of words will make or break the relationship and i m sure lot of people would have been in this scenario. 

So talking about it is too risky. 

2c) The only possible scenario in which this will end happy is either they both genuinely understand that they want each other badly enough and this is what love is [mast filmy happily ever after]. A popular movie plot line example "Friends for Benefit"

2d) The physical distance between them increases, may be a change of city or country, in this way they won't actively witness a third party entering their lives, and, can continue their affection whenever they meet [which will be too infrequent to discuss about] but here too, even if they romantically see a third person the chemistry between the two should remain the same, else it will end. This arrangement can cause some problem if the girl lets her "socially conditioned" mind question the sanctity of sleeping with two guys, loving one and liking the other....

Plot 3: They are in a platonic relationship and refuse to take it further, risking the decay, one person marries or falls for a 3rd person. But since there was no closure in the earlier case it will be an emotional roller-coaster [hum dil de chukay sanam] or the famous plot line of Gunaho k Devta [the most sold hindi novel].

The best thing would be to realize the truth "everything that has a beginning, has an end Neo" but then you won't have a story !!!! 

To tackle all the plot lines together can be achieved in the dramatic premise similar to "he is not that into you" 4 couples etc etc ..... don't know when ...but some day i will tackle this subject.

P.S. I don't proof read before posting a blog, you don't proof read your diary right!... So don't judge me on the form but on the content. 

Filmy Holi

I m high on Holi, always have, always will be. The best holi is ofcourse played in Bihar, or may be i see it that way because i was a kid growing up there. I was allowed to throw colors on strangers (i wasn’t a stranger to them though, it was a small place and everyone knew everybody else). The special festival delicacy is “pua” and with mutton is the best dish out there (may be a close second to satu-paratha with mutton). 

Anyways on this holika dahan i drove up to Pitobash,s apartment and we flagged off our next movie and put words on paper, while returning from his house at around 2am, i clicked few holika’s and drove back home. The day prior to this i had offer from two people to start a company with them. It,s such a disgrace, people want to start a company without first knowing what is exactly their vision for one or where do they want to take it, what will it do. The answers are same, we will do whatever we can lay our hands on, Corporate AVs, TVCs, Films, Music Videos etc etc......anyways unko gyan nahi diya. 

Next day i woke up to a call from Pooja di (a senior in my 5th grade, now married and a mother) to drop-by home, slept again woke up at 12.30 to a call from friends who wanted me at Yari Road asap. We went inside a filmy gathering organized by Zoom TV. The atmosphere was electric, to say the least, almost 50% guys there we topless (all of the modeling variety), girls were dressed for occasion. The gathering was electrified by white wine (my only alcoholic drink) and some kick ass music. Dolly Bindra and Mahajan took double meaning to new heights. Ofcourse everyone kind of knew everyone else so we kept bumping into ppl. I met Vinod Bachan (producer Zila Gaziabad) and he wanted to know what i was doing next [we didn’t meet after i walked out of Zila] he was with some actress. Few TV actors and actresses later, the artificial rain began. Now i m a sucker for rain, i m the guy who took his bike out whenever it rained in Delhi (it is impossible to repeat it in Mumbai). Needless to say i jumped on d floor. Some girl flirted thoda sa; asking if my locks were real (i asked her to see it for herself, she touched my locks) thoda sa aur casual flirt later the rain stopped. I walked at the edge of the venue to see the sea, hoards of commoners playing Holi at Versova beach.... I have to say this, “i will always be a commoner at heart, even there, admist all the glitter i wanted to jump that wall and play holi there”, i think i m a sucker for middle class things !!! 

Anyways, danced the entire afternoon, put strangers in mud, took photographs. Last 30 minutes were super intense with artificial rain pouring cats and dog, finally it was over. The entire street was packed by vehicles getting out of the venue, I enjoyed my moment under the sun, with curls like mine i was walking undertaker (the WWF wrestler) and Everyone turned and looked till i entered my car and zoomed away. 

Evening was spent with Arunaab whose video (the spoof of MTV Roadies) has gone viral and he is flooded by calls from MTV, V, UTV Bindas and the likes.... We shared lunch, evening tea plus 8pm coffee (neither of us drink). We did talk a lot about future planning for his firm and where he wants to take it, the challenges outsiders face here and how Anurag, Imtiaz and Tigmanshu have tackled it. Finally it was time to go home.

What good would a Holi be if it didn’t end with a romantic dinner, so, had dinner, went to this new, unfurnished flat and called it a night early, she had office the next morning.   

P.S. As a result of me getting drenched my phone is gone so are the photographs....

2012

For me each year gets better than the last so has been the story of my life post 2008. 2009 i was in LA, long had i wanted to had my passport stamped and how !!! 2010 i did manage to direct my first feature length film and boy 2011 released it. 2012 is here and i am excited. I am happy, I like that women in The Network (Director Sidney Lumet), when my professional life is good i am feeling great. So 2011 was great ofcourse it had its low points but you don't remember the mundane stuff. 2011 was the year i was mentioned in national newpapers. As a boy preparing for IIT that was one of the dreams. 2012 is the time i want to roll in money and no i m not selling out. I wont compromise on my work. I just have to Direct 6 TVCs thats all or earn 30 lakhs (minus taxes) whatever happens. Along the way i have to Direct my 6 short films finish a screenplay and HOPEFULLY a novel that is inside me. Plus this will be the year when i will start my 2nd movie No Love Lost. This is a minimum wishlist for 2012.

So start a movie
30 lakhs and or 6 TVCs
Finish all pending work vis a vis short films.   

The week that was

Dear Diary 

This was a great week. On this Friday my first film released. Dear god thanks for the opportunity. I know of people more connected, more talented, more networked and with better credentials haven't made a film and released it. So thank you god. Was i nervous ? not really? Everyone kept saying this was ur day and blah blah and i felt no butterflies in my stomach. Just when i was in the queue for collecting the tickets it hit me, like dope hits u zooppppp. i must admit i saw the film with a fresh eye because i saw it after a long gap. I saw the flow, the flaws and the tempo ...it was a good effort. I saw what worked and i saw what didn't. I am just relieved to know that i have the gift of storytelling, i didn't see the story slacking anywhere, it was gripping and hence atleast the storytelling was good. Lot of things were mediocre and have made a note of that. 

Also on monday my heart wanted to go against conventional wisdom and suddenly i checked d phone and it hit me. The conventional wisdom is there for a reason. It is no short of a miracle that i thought about checking d phone, just in time. Thank you my guardian angel for silently guiding me. Last time u made me bump into someone at the right time, thank you for that too.

What makes a strong fictional character

Dear Writer Self

No character is good/bad, it is their need that makes them good or bad. That need depends or self image, social conditioning, insecurities and intellect, in that order.

When a character is not comfortable about who he/she is or not comfortable about the past, or public opinion, it is largely a matter of self image. Everyone has done stuff they are not very proud of, it is how you deal with it that makes you who you are. I am as conventional thinking as  it gets but i m also as considerate as u will find. Depends really on what is your opinion about yourself. Only when you admit the duality of man (jungian theory) and are comfortable by it are u emotionally secure. 

As a rule of thumb in character study never believe a character that says “ I m like so and so ...” always believe what you see. This fact is used in so many books/movies and novels. People try to mar your judgement by intellectualizing their choices.

Also as a rule the character that lies is needy, that is all their is to it. It doesn’t make a person good or bad. A habitual lier is but awfully needy and as a companion you should run away.  Also if you are emotionally aware you get a feeling when someone lies, trust it, everyone lies. Only yesterday i heard two, one by a female friend and another by my mom. How am i so sure well i am in a profession that lies, all films are lies really , do i call bluff all the time ..no not really but yeah when i do call a bluff I know what i am talking about. 

Most kids/ dumb ass blondes (both sexes) mix self image with i don’t give a fuck attitude. Everyone gives a fuck anyone who says otherwise is lying, everyone wants to be liked by everyone they can get, so quit faking it. High self image is being able to admit mistakes and walk past it while low self image is not admitting it or if obvious, covering it up , either by playing dumb or by telling the other person they dont give shit and/or by saying who cares !! I know because i was that guy once !   

On a side note the line "happy girls are prettiest" is true but then happiness can't be faked, not to yourself. Most people project that image. Being happy is a function of your self image. To inculcate good self image takes lot of work, effort and discipline

No Commitment

I have often told people i m not ur long term relationship guy, no dont get me wrong i m not ur one nighter either. I have heard that most guys are commitment phobic and most guys stray. Now i cant speak for everyone but myself. Lately i had my Satori moment ( a Zen term refering to a sudden flash of insight) with respect to why i m not into the idea of a long term relationship. I will use maths to explain my point of view because believe me, maths as a language is more economical and precise in any form of communication so here we go .....

Hapiness in any relationship, henceforth refered to H(x,t.....) is 

H(x,t...) = A(x,t....) - B(x,t......)

A is the hapiness we derive from the stuff we want from any relationship 

B is the discomfort we derive from the stuff we don’t want in a relationship

Clealy both are a function of time, physical distance between the two parties, their personal preferences.......

Mind you i m not accounting personal, social, religious beliefs because they change very slowly wrt time and in most cases are not an issue in an ongoing relationship. Also discount the windfall effect, sumthing that happens very suddenly, an accident, fatal loss in business......

For a guy the fuction A .... dimishes with increasing time .... We do need a lot of physical love and affection (mind u i aint saying sex, we need more than that) and that decreases with time both in terms of novelty and intent from the other side. The loss of intent is often termed as “taking for granted”. One sentence defines it all “hamain har cheese ki aadat par jaati hai”. 

The other most important thing for us is ....we want the women to cheer us, no matter how many times we fail we want the women in our lives to support us in mind and in spirit. For a man to be sucessful the women in his life has to believe more than him that he will be successful, I find this to be the rarest trait in the world. Also here is a clash of interest. A women has only a decade to choose her match, a guy who she will spend the rest of her life with, hence she cant wait for u to keep failing ...she has to abandon her ship and get to greener pastures. Thus this becomes the biggest bain in a romantic relationship, no matter who ur as a guy, a girl will always find sumone who atleast “appears” to be a better prospect. And no matter how hot a chic is, a guy will always find a chic more desirable than she is. In the second case (hotter chic) it is a bottomless cup really (my satori moment), a loop one can’t get out of ....no man has ever fucked enough women. The only way out is to not get in. If one women can’t satisfy you 50 cannot either. For a girl who 6 months in a relationship thinks her guy is a loser, is really a dumb ass. He was not a loser b4 u came to his life and now he is ...who is to blame ? It is my firm belief that a women who believes in a man and never waver in her belief will eventually turn the frog into a prince and hence become a princess herself! She doesnt have to push him, non verbal communication is the most powerful form (95% of all communication happen non-verbally). You have to believe it to see it, true for all great turnarounds in life, in personality and in sports !  

Thus my biggest hurdle is, I am too important to risk being demoralized seeing myself as a non achiever in some dumb ass blonde’s eyes. I would rather have no influence than bad influence. I know who i m and anyone else who thinks there is a better guy out there need to go into that guy’s life.

B is mostly the girlie stuff we hate....all of them increasing with time. 

Thus, there will be a time when H is negative and consistently negative for months, a relationship that dwells there, is bound to end. So it is in the interest of both parties to keep H positive and while increasing A might not always be feasible, keeping B in check is always an option for both the parties. We know the stuff the other person hates right ? So just dont do it , if u care enuf or else ...buzz off !

My problem with a long term relationship is the underlined excerpt, primarily. I ain’t putting my future at risk for companionship. I would rather be alone than have a chic who will neg me for a “better” sumone else. 

Second, I do believe women are a distraction, they need too much time and attention. I dont mind talking on a daily basis but that can’t be forced. There is more to my life than making a girl feel good about herself every evening. Most chics have that as their number one priority, evening dinners, drives, movies, clubbing, phone chat... all are feel-good activities. I love to do it but only when i m not PROFESSIONALLY busy. When i am professionally busy, shut the fuck up! There is more to my life than feeling good.

As a yogic literature put it “bhojan, needra aur maithun(sex) to ek kuttay ko bhi prapt ho jaata hai”. I do believe my life has a bigger purpose. Only those who believe the same, for my life and their life, are welcome in my world. I put my professional life ahead of my personal life, always have, always will. Unless i fulfill my professional goal there is no way in heaven that i will work for personal goals!    

P.S. The tense might be all over the place, excuse me for lack of punctuation and long complex sentences.

My First Number Close

O, by the way, this is not the first time i have exchanged number meeting a women 4 d first time but this is the first time i have done it knowing that this is my aim even before saying hello. Not that it means anything, i m not going to call her anyways, it just feels good to know u can get a number when you want to (in most cases) !

We were sitting in the office of a now-famous producer (Tanu weds Manu) and this reality TV actress walkes in.

Rewind.......

Anand, director of the film, calls the wanna be actresses in the evening, after talking business (meaning if we can fit her anywhere), we are done for the day. The onus is on me to casually flirt with the actresses and everyone has a great time, the oldies have a great time just observing, they know they have crossed the age. This is what it is, harmless flirt, i want to keep it that way. It’s just good humour. 

So Anand tells me about this reality TV star (some splitsvilla winner) who is bugging him with phone calls and he doesn’t want to meet her outside the office because she comes with a reputation(I don’t see reality TV, have no creative regards for people involved, as for the girls, I have no opinion, my opinions r 4 people i care!!). So he tells us to wash our faces, she is on her way, i tell the writer Vinay i will let him walk away with this chic (i am lying ofcourse but he doesn’t know it). I have to go to a stationery shop for supplies and return to see this overtly made up, very average looking chic sitting in glamorous clothes. I m like, “watever” (my current girl friend walked for Tarun Tehlani n is very intelligent, so who cares!!!)....but ab flirt to karna hi hai, kya kiya jai, performance pressure jo hai! 

When i walk in, she looks at me, i faintly smile and look beyond. 15 minutes later they have all ran out of topics and it’s time for me to spice things up. As far as she is concerned i m just another guy, she thinks i m an AD and hence not the one who is useful, so she doesn’t care if i exist. I like it that way, makes it challenging,  this is how it starts.... 

Anand: Arre iss film main chhote say role k liye log kaha kaha say aa rahe hai, abhi kal hi ek banda aaya tha canada say seedha aur bola ki he wants a role any duration, he sang that abhishek bachan song bluffmaster. 

Nikhil: Aur yeah kaha say aayi hai ?

Anand : (huge laughter) Oshiwara

Nikhil : (teasingly) Next....

Girl (smiles too).....blah blah blah blah to anand n vinay

to Nikhil  : What sunshine r u 

Nikhil: Cancer 

Girl : Really ? They are supposed to be quite. 

Nikhil: Correction , either very quite or the most talkative in the group, depending on the mood ..ur?

Girl: Leo 

Nikhil (smile) (looking at Anand)We r not getting along

Girl : No, why not? my ex boyfriend was a cancerian 

Anand: (teasing) Kya hint de rahi hai ? 

Nikhil : Isi liye ex hai, current nahi ?

ha ha ha ha ha...............

Girl : [Talks about her ex-boyfriend ......blah blah ..about her roomate to Anand i stand up from the seat go to the kitchen, the writer takes my seat ....] We are moving out of my flat. Me and Garima(hot roommate) are planning a house party, i will invite you.

Anand: [Doesn’t know what to say ....]

I m standing in an aloof corner sipping my green tea, i smile at the blatant hint, is this an invite to a threesome? Thinking “Thats the problem with being a gold digger, u dig it and wonder where is the gold, it’s lost to the competetion, but these dumb asses do not have the wisdom to locate a new mine....” 

But then everyone is trying to win the race so you do what you think will take you forward, fine by me , watever!!!!

She asks me to hand her handbag which is lying where i am standing [:X] she clearly does this to subconciously get even for all the leg pulling i have done and show me that she doesn’t care who i m .......

Nikhil : wow .....really ?

Girl: Do u have a problem ?

Nikhil : (smiling)That will be 5000 bucks 

Girl : taken aback, lost for words 

Nikhil (Smiling): Yeah i am high maintanence....

[This is the only time i have done badly, instead of 5000 i had to say “carry ur handbag only if ur buying a coffee or a date .. but then i m learning] 

.....................................................blah blah ................................................................

                                     

                                                                                   ANALYSIS TIME

I have played well, we have broken the ice. 

Step 1: She started the conversation, i just sat next to her, without looking at her, talked to everybody else. 

Step 2: Neg neg (we won’t get along, where has she come from ?)....to disqualify myself as a guy who is hitting on her. So i have got few indicators of interest but she immediately steers her concious brain to Anand, she is here for work !! So Step 3 has to be displaying higher value without hitting on her .....

So i start a conversation with Anand (I am so proud of all this because i didn’t try to do everything conciously, it happened and that means i m getting better at this) about an incident that happened when we were shooting Jugaad and i told him how that interaction gave me clarity and vision for a career choice. Anand loses no time telling her i m an iitian and she gives this loud shock ...Really !!!! Vinay says “he chukked job of 3 lakhs” 

Nikhil (to vinay): IIT ka naam kaafi hai ....salary batana nahi padta ....

          (to the girl): What can i say, got lucky in the gene pool!!!

Anand: He has also directed his feature length film (and i m like YES, this is relevant info, clearly she knows she has started on the wrong foot)

Girl: (To me) : O who acted in it? 

Nikhil : Blah blah ...

Girl : When is it releasing  ?

Nikhil: Yaar mere haath main hota to kal hi release kar deta ...we r showing it to distributors...ab producers bhi naye hai to thoda time lagta hai na, for people to take u seriously .......

Time to punish her for the handbag thing...

Nikhil (continued) : ab think about it, u walked in the office u didn’t care who i was, u know , fine, not ur fault , thats being human (didn’t put her on a spot but she knew it has not gone well, AND IT HASN’T, I did mind!!!) ......

Girl: She is shocked, doesn’t know what to say !!!!

Anand noticing that we have been chattign amongst ourselves for 5 minutes

Anand : Ab to tu number le le 

Nikhil: (pulls out a newspaper and a pen): a ten digit number beginning with 9

Girl: (smiles) puts her number

Vinay : Ye ladka bahut aage jaiga 

Nikhil: (Smiles)...aisa sab log kehte hai 

everyone laughs 

....................................................blah blah blah blah..................................................

Conversation on Malika Sherawat

Nikhil: I m a huge fan 

Girl (shocked) what? 

Nikhil: Yeah, for a married women to have a dream that strong and actually make it, she has a lot of guts and i m such a huge fan !!!

I love Malika Sherawat for what she represents and wanted this girl who is famous in the circle for similar reasons. So we chat about Malika Sherawat for the next few minutes and then 

Nikhil: My time is up, it’s 8pm already

Anand: haan chala ja tujhe time lagega.

I leave the office, shake her hand, thats it don’t say anything like keep in touch or whatever....

I go to a stationary shop take my copy of the screenplay and i m returning to my parked car, eminem playing in my IPOD. This car stops and i see the same girl in a Santro (i guess), she left after i did !  

Girl: Where r u going ?

Nikhil: O no i have a car but thanks for the offer, appreciate it (smilinggggg)

So is she ..........

This is the area i erred, i got this god sent chance and had to capitalise on it, should have sat in her car and taken her to Marriot for making me carry her bag and then ask her to drop me to the same place and shown her my car, which by the way is a slick looking impressive machine [jo arth(materialism) ki bhasha samjhte hai unhay adhyatm (spirituality) nahi samjhana chahiye]

But then everything in hindsight makes perfect sense! 

I still have lot of room to improve in the ACT 1 of the approach ...ACT 2, 1st Date k baad start hota hai ....but by the time this movie is over i wil have cleared the 2nd hurdle of going on an “instant” date with someone.

The Book that changed my life

To quote the author “ I always hated the idea that sex is something a women gives, to me it is something a women shares”. Probably for the first time someone echoed my sentiments. I was always proud of myself for not acting on certain very blatant advances. But i wouldn’t bring it out in open to my friends because they would just not understand the psyche. I would argue “i was underwhelmed (physical beauty wise) or it just didn’t feel right (in case of a friend’s sister)” only to be mocked. Slowly i was beginning to question whether it was the inertia getting in the way or was i just kidding myself. Reading the book answered the question for me. In few cases, i didn’t want to share the privilege and in few others the women didn’t want to. When you talk about it to people (in your hostel) you will hear about stories of how you have to be direct (someone met a horny women and set a bad precedent). True some kind of audacity helps you to blast the last moment resistance but then most people take it too far. 

All the guys out there who come up with the direct approach [like shaking hands with a girl at a party with that specific scratch of the hands or mailing her on a tuesday morning asking her if you should book a hotel room] should be shown the harvard lecture. This psycho prof ran an experiment where 90% guys agreed to sleep with a good looking stranger and only 3% women agreed. Anyone who uses the direct approach should be shown this harvard lecture. Recently i was hanging out with a senior of mine who is a Investment Banker in the making and was in NY where he met this Indian Girl and they made out the first day they met and even in this case he crashed and burn on the final frontier. I prodded him to know what happened and it was so funny how he blew it and he had no clue what happened. Thanks to this book (no i am not sharing the name) i told him the evolutionary hardwire that prevents women to go all the way and also why no matter who you are as a guy you will always feel under confident approaching a women of beauty,it’s your brain fucking you. In my opinion it is because of this that men really have to kill a demon inside them to approach a women they really want to approach. Often a time they take it too far. 

I will end it with this “there are no ugly women in the world just lazy ones” similarly “there are no assholes “just men who want women but have no idea how to go about it” and “you don’t chose women, they chose you, you can only give them the opportunity of knowing you”. Also in this book is another gem of a quote for all the guys out there who have no clue why women are not as forthcoming as they are sexually “women like to have sex as much anybody else they don’t want to be taken advantage of or treated like a slut”. These are not my personal opinion it comes from the world’s foremost pickup artist, people who are very average looking and of modest backgrounds and have picked up some very famous names (britney spears, paris hilton). It might sound cliched (i can vouch for it though) but everyone will meet women (notice the plural) who will want to SHARE it with you.                 

2010...One of the best ever

Okies when have i felt so good about an year . 2003 ...because i cleared JEE, but it was expected, didn't really come as a surprise or a twist. On the contrary I was bit sad about the Rank. 2007, well we won the BRCA trophy and managed to get my B.Tech without extending my degree, thanks largely to Mailinie Johar (hopefully i have spelt it right) without whom i don't know if i would have cleared my final year, it takes lot of motivation in your final semester. Luckily she always kept up the heat and that is all i needed. The final year had it's share of failures too and well they teach you more than success don't they ? So yeah learned a little bit about myself. It probably was coming of age year for me. The lessons were delivered in a package that will not be forgiven or forgotten.  

Coming back to 2010. I don't remember what i was doing on 31st of last year , no i didn't make any new year resolution. I remember i was back from L.A and probably pitching for Time Nahin hai and till march nothing happened. In the meantime i attended the first wedding of my life. Well that was an experience, i am not too keen on attending weddings anymore the romance in the air kindda gets to you i guess, or is it just me ?  Well cut a long story short , till July of 2010 it was one bad news after another. I guess my life did take a turn on my last b,day. It was a jolt i guess, did shake me up a little bit and luck changed. Started my first film on 14th august wrapped the shooting on 4th.  Fell out of love and into it and out again and into it and out again, in short 'glad to be single' !! Uff m i exaggerating ? were they flings or infatuation, who cares!!! 

I hope and i wish 2011 is as good as 2010, it was a roller-coaster ride, it was bitter sweet and i like it that way especially if both the emotions were that extreme. I now firmly believe whatever happens happens for the good and it couldn't have happened any other way. Anyways as on 1st Jan 2011 this is all i have to say " It is 7am in the morning, i m watching this crime - comedy and i love it, just cooked a perfect chai for me and while sipping it at the balcony, i look at the beautiful morning and the hills infront and this is all i say LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.........  "

The song for the year is " दुनिया  सजी  तेरे  लिए,  खुद को  ज़रा  पहचान  तू ..........